Dear Jodi,

I am a young, single, attractive 33 year old female. I want to know: should I pursue someone who is in a ‘relationship’ that is in my opinion fundamentally flawed? He is seeing another woman. It is not public knowledge that they are an item and they don’t behave like an item in public. There are no pictures of them together and he refers to her as a “friend”. Should I even entertain a relationship with this person? It’s so hard to find a good man nowadays!

Nicole

Maraval,

Trinidad and Tobago.

Dear Nicole,

First of all, I understand your dilemma since at this age you are ready to be in a settled relationship and sometimes it seems that there is a lack of attractive, respectable and available men, so first I would ask you: what are the qualities of this young man that would indicate that he is a good, emotionally healthy mate for you? From what you have said, this is a recent development and you are now in the process of getting to know him. What you know about him so far is that he is in some type of romantic relationship with someone who he refers to as a ‘friend’ and doesn’t seem to be fully into her.  Do you know what the issue is? For example, why is he in this relationship if he isn’t fully into it? Is he telling you the whole truth or could there be more to this story? Where are you getting your information from and is this person a reliable source? Also, think about this other female - how she might be feeling in the relationship. What about her side and protecting her as a fellow woman? Could he one day end up treating you in the same manner that he is treating her?

It is very important to get as much information as you can before making a decision. From the details you have given me I would suggest that you move very cautiously. If he is ‘hiding’ his relationship and attempting to pursue one with you, this puts up some red flags. What are the traits you are seeking in a mate? If you want integrity, honesty and commitment then consider his behaviours and ask yourself if they go with what you want in a boyfriend.

Try also talking to him and asking him questions. If he is serious about you then perhaps he will be open to ending this relationship and making a concerted effort to pursue you rather than you pursuing him as you mentioned. Trust your gut. If he ends it with the other woman and pursues you then tread lightly and protect your heart until he has earned your trust. If you decide that he is not being straight with you and continues to see the other lady then you have the option to cut communication with him and walk away with your dignity intact. Don’t allow yourself to settle for being someone’s other woman. The more that you show him that you love and respect yourself is the more that he will in turn give you love and respect. It’s so important for you to understand and see your priceless worth, beauty and value as a woman.   You deserve to have someone who is fully committed to you and you alone. Remember that when you make your final decision.

Jodi

The information given in this column is for general guidance only and is not meant to provide advice or professional assistance. If you are dealing with a serious personal issue, you are strongly advised to schedule an appointment and visit with a qualified psychologist or counsellor. 

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